my tears and...

How do you measure the gravity of losing an important entity in your life? By the tears you cry? By the melancholy look plastered on your face? By the hours you've spent staring at the ceiling listening to sad songs? And if I do not cry, do not look sad, do not spend sleepless nights with music on, does it mean I am not grieving my loss? Does it mean he wasn't important to me? Does it make our time together insignificant? Does it?

But if you cut my chest open and take my heart out, you'll see---absolutely---how I feel. How his loss feels so much like losing a part of me, like something is out of hinge. Every space in this house reminds me of him. It seems surreal; I half-expect that someone will shake my shoulders violently to release me from this horrible dream/nightmare.

I miss you: the way you raise your right paw for a handshake, the way your pee stinks, the way you growl when you see Maki, the way you rub your head on people's leg when you pass by them, the way you guard the house by staying in the terrace roof...all of it. All of you. I will always miss you, Fiji.

Yongwonhi.